Why are am I always like this? Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I shut off this god damn brain? 

It comes in waves. One moment you’re laughing with friends and the next you’re laying on the bed, soaked in sweat and tears, and you can’t stop shaking that overwhelming and crippling fear of life. Your skin is clammy, your voice shakes, and your brain is playing reruns of all your failures and all those yet to come. Ah yes, mental health. What a bitch.

Shut up. Get out of my head. But then again… all your points are valid. And I’m tired. Oh, I’m so tired. 

When you’ve been fighting for so long, it starts to wear you down. You’re exhausted. Your muscles ache. Your brain is throbbing. Everything hurts while being numb at the same time. You start to dread going into the lab. What if everyone can see that I’m a failure? How do I hide that? Your desk is covered in MCAT books. I can’t write that exam. I can’t handle that failure. Everyone expects so much – I can’t live up to that. You know exactly what’s going on and you’re spiralling out of control. The only way you know how to reach out is by pushing away. Your logical brain explains how you’re not making any sense but logic has no say anymore. Nothing makes sense.

Everything is dark.

Everything is numb.

Why can’t I stop crying?

Advertisements