Run Wild, Run Free

To the friends I had to leave behind:

Know that I will always care for you. That I will always wish you the best and the most wonderful, beautiful life. And that my decision to remove myself from your world was a hard one, one that was not made overnight but one that was analyzed, debated, and internally fought for a very long time.

It might not have been long since I’ve last seen you but it’s been a long time since we’ve been the friends that we used to be. We may have known each other since we were kids, giggling about high school crushes, playing make-believe as we climbed trees, and stressed over university exams or we could’ve been new friends, having only met but felt like it’s been a lifetime. For reasons, some obvious, some still covered in an air of mystery, we are no longer friends anymore and it may sound selfish, but it’s for the best.

I just want to put it out there, I don’t hate you. I never could, there’s too much history between us, at least on my end, and so many fond memories of our time together. I also wanted to say that I don’t think you’re a bad person. Life happens, we grow up and we grow apart, but the respect and admiration for you never wavered. Overtime we grew into the people we are meant to be, started to figure out our lives, and during that time we realized that we no longer fit into each others.

For what it’s worth… I am sorry. I’m sorry that we couldn’t talk it out like we used to. Sorry that we had to end the friendship the way we did, sorry that you think things of me that you believe to be true, and I’m sorry that if I had done any action to allow the formulation of those thoughts. At one point, I considered you one of my good friends but I see now that we were too different of people and were never fully trusting of the other person.

I know you will probably see this as insensitive. That after all this time, I chose my own well-being over yours. It pains me to say that in the re-evaulation of my relationships, the bad outweighed the good in our friendship and I couldn’t force myself to get back up when I wasn’t ready. I was always honest with you and never lied, so please believe me when I thought I would wake up on countless occasions and be over it, miss you, and want to make amends; I never woke up with that feeling.

My dear friend, I can’t promise you many things anymore but I can promise you this: I can promise you that I won’t forget you. I won’t forget our movie marathon sleepovers, the nights we spent sitting on the roof and laughing with the stars. The concerts, the bonfires, and the life-talks. We were there for each other for some of the darkest moments in our lives, and some of the lightest. I couldn’t be more grateful for the time we had. I will watch from a distance as you grow into a fantastic human being and will always be cheering for you on the sidelines, but I don’t see myself coming back into the game anytime soon. I am sorry if I hurt you, that was never my intention, but I hope that in time you will see how this was for the best. I can promise you that if I ever wake up with the feeling that I’ve made a mistake, I will come to you, no matter how uncomfortable it will be.

I don’t write this out of spite, out of anger, or from hurt feelings. I write this from the bottom of my heart, to a truly wonderful human being who we just grew apart, and I do end this letter with the sincerest wish that one day, maybe, we will talk to each other again.

I don’t know if you’ll ever understand, but our friendship grew thin and we needed to let each other go so we can begin to heal.

To grow.

To Be. 

Let Me Be

Let me be by myself for a while, I’m still learning who I am. 

Maybe it’s a quarter life crisis. Maybe it’s the constant comparison of your life to that of your peers. Maybe because, at the end of a brutal 12 months that comprised the nonsensical year of 2016, you’re sitting on a couch back in your parents house, wondering how on earth you got here.

All you know is that something is wrong. And it has been for months now. You can’t put your finger on it and that fuels the irritation. You’ve tried to ignore it, play it off, hope that it will eventually go away but there it lingers, your new shadow. You want to scream at it, destroy it, get it as far away from you as possible but how can you run from something if you don’t even know what it is. Why it’s there. You can’t talk to anyone about it. After all, you’re supposed to be the one for everyone else to talk to. You’re the one who takes on the stresses of your peers and you don’t complain. You don’t make a sound. When their worlds are crashing down around them, you’re the one who’s there to pick up the pieces. To remind them that they will be alright in the end. And you don’t mind. Part of you, a large part, enjoys it – you like being the dependable one. You know how it feels to be so completely alone that you refuse to let that happen to anyone else. But what about me…?

How do you say goodbye to your friends? How do you explain to your family that there’s something wrong, you don’t know what, but you need to leave. You need to figure it out. Do you tell them? Or do you just pack up and go? You run through a list of names in your head. You know deep down that some of them deserve a courtesy goodbye, after-all, they did nothing wrong and you do care about them and wish them the best in their lives. At the same time, you can’t help but think, will they even notice if you’re gone? Would they even care? Probably not. So you start. Baby steps first. Delete your twitter account. Then Snapchat. Finally, facebook. You keep one of your social media platforms, but the one that just says “yes I’m alive” and nothing more. A war is going internally. One one hand, you’re happy to be erasing yourself from your old life, on the other, your past shapes who you are today – is it right to let it go like that?

“I’m going away for a while. I don’t know where and I don’t know when I’ll be back. I wanted to say goodbye because you’re my friend and I owe you that much. You’re going to do great things in your life and I’m so proud of all that you’ve done. You are truly a beautiful person. Thank you. “