Why did I say that? I’m such an idiot. Why can’t you just be normal like everyone else? No one wants to hear what you have to say. Fool. Stupid. Loner.
You stare down at your phone. It’s too late, the text has already been sent. No matter how much you want to jump into your phone, follow the text message coding, and stop it from getting delivered to the recipient, you can’t. In retrospect, it’s nothing too bad but in this very moment, it’s detrimental.
They probably think that I’m such an idiot. That I’m nuts. I was just trying to be funny. Why on earth would I analyze pineapple fruit? WHO DOES THAT?!
You’re already walking on eggshells whenever the two of you interact. You don’t know where you stand and in a few weeks you’ll be off on another adventure. You want to keep the lines of communication strong but are terrified that’s not what they want. You are so worried about what they may think, that every action you do is calculated. Precise. No room for error. You’ve scared so many others away by just being your normal, weird, wacky self that you’ve decided it’s time to stop. Change. It’ll be for the best. You bite your tongue when you think of one of your endless bad puns, you down play the animation when you get excited. You pinch your skin when you want to change your voice to mimic that of a tv show or movie character. It’s hard to recognize yourself anymore but you think this is what’s good. What society wants. What they want. But no-one knows that for sure. No one can. That doesn’t matter. This is the right thing.
Then you slip.
You forgot to hold back and make that terrible pun. You analyze the lies within the word “pineapple”. It’s only after you send the message, you realize your mistake. It was a good run. You lasted two months. You await a response. Nothing. You aren’t even surprised at this point. You should’ve known. For the next few hours you replay what you’ve done over and over again. Pin-pointing the exact moment you let your defences down. Can’t let that happen again.
For anyone interested, there is this wonderful song by Colbie Caillat which was released this past summer (2014). It discussed breaking the stereotypes and learning how to accept yourself for who you are. It’s a good listen and who knows? You may find it helpful, either consciously or subconsciously.