Unwanted Self-comfort

Keep your head down, keep your thoughts to yourself. Whatever you do, don’t draw attention. Just keep going. 

Thoughts tend to consume your mind when you least expect it. You could wake up one morning, completely cheery and then out of nowhere it hits you. It takes over and everything goes numb. You need to get out but where can you go to escape your mind?

Take a deep breath 1…2…3… Exhale. Repeat.

Your friends text you about their day. One just got into medical school, the other dental. More are accepting Master’s programs or getting geared up for graduation but here you sit. You aren’t them. When everyone is packing up and moving on from the four years spent together at university, you’re dreading the fact that you’re back for one more semester. You failed. You didn’t pass Go to collect your degree, you landed on Boardwalk instead.

Who do you think you are? A person who matters? A person someone cares about? Once they’re gone, they’re never coming back. They are going to forget you. You never really mattered to them, you were a convenience. Someone to talk to at Uni but that’s it. Worthless. Annoying. Fat. Failure. 

Take a deep breath 1…2…3… Exhale. Repeat.

In a few weeks you will be going off on another adventure. You somehow found a loop hole and managed to do a MRes. in medicine while completing your undergrad. You got offered a phD placement in the same lab and yet you can’t be excited. Your best friend tells you how proud they are, your family is in shock because no one believed that you could do it. You have all these opportunities and yet here you sit, terrified. I don’t deserve this. I’m not good enough. I’m a fraud. You know that your grades aren’t where they should be. You have a hard time accepting things given to you because since a young age you’ve been prone to disappointment. You learn that there is no point to get excited over things because more often then not, it won’t work out. You’re so tired of letting yourself down and the worthless feeling that overwhelms you but time after time again, it happens. There’s no way to explain your thought process to your friends without coming off as spoiled. Rude. A show-off. You don’t know how to express the overwhelming paralyzing fear that rushes through your body that some days it’s a chore to leave your bed. That with every passing day and every “can’t wait for our graduation!” you creep more into your shell. It’s not even your own body anymore but a hollow cave of who you once were. You take a look in the mirror and don’t even recognize the person staring back. Who is this girl? She looks so defeated. The bags under your eyes have darkened, silver hairs sprout at every angle, your face has sunken and your thighs have grown. You hate every inch of if with every being of what’s left of that hollow cave.

Buzz. Buzz. You look across the room. A text from your friend asking for help on coursework. You’ve been studying for 13+ hours straight but you don’t want to let them down. You text them back and help them. Just because you’re a failure doesn’t mean they should be as well.

Buzz. Buzz. Another text. This time by a guy that you don’t even know if you are seeing. It’s been two months and you’ve talked everyday and hung out multiple times. But he hasn’t made a move yet. You understand it’s probably because you’re repulsive and yet he still messages you. You don’t know how to react and you second guess every exchange. You don’t understand why they are in your life, why they said they enjoy your company when you can’t stand yourself. You ignore the text for now. Better wait until the thoughts pass, don’t want him to know the real you.

Take a deep breath 1…2…3… Exhale. Repeat.

You respond, making a funny joke or happy comment. You’re keeping face and lying to yourself in the process. It’s killing you but you’ve surpassed the point of caring.

Take a deep breath 1…2…3… Exhale. Repeat.


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